Outta know

this is probably been my first post in almost a year.

crazy.

since lifes been alot of up and down, been kicked out, hated my sister, start a new school, broke up then got back together?, broke up again, had surgery, breakdown somewhat, wait 6 months for my love to get out of jail, have my hopes crushed, being strong enough to get by and hardly cry, mother got cancer...again, moved into my own home, make more mature wise friends.

its been really good over when it was spent in oakville, however it wasnt as great when spend in milton.

i start at a new highschool this Febuary 14th, great on valentines day...

ive kinda changed my whole though process, smoking weed all day and skipping school and drinking was something id thought was a good time back 7 months ago. yeah sure weed is great but i dont need to smoke it every day, once a week or once a month.
i feel like lifes getting so much better and i cant wait till im really happy about everything.

this has been a rough year,
but i made it through.

never been more reassured.

im going to Burlington!
i love jordan maltais so much! :D
oh he makes me so happy.
i cant wait for our life together!
its going to be great.
just 48 more days!
and he will be back in my arms. :D

DECISIONS

ohhh boy.
my dad wants me out.
my boyfriend wants me to move out with him when he gets outta jail.
its either Mississauga or Burlington.
i like Burlington.
but should i go?
ill be very happy but i fear that it wont last long.
what if my boyfriend does something stupid and gets himself in jail again?
then I'm fucked.
he tells me he is gunna be good when he gets out.
stay off drugs, drink less, stay away from crime.
but once a criminal always a criminal right?
he could do it again.
as much as he doesn't want to.
even i do stupid shit against the law.
but I'm smart about it.
i know my limit.
he doesn't.
plus he wants to beat the shit outta his friend Jared for sleeping with me when i was drunk and vulnerable.
i don't want him too.
he'll go back to jail.
for something sooo stupid.
yeah Jared deserves it, but my boyfriend cant go to jail.
its not worth it.
to lose him again.
for him to lose me, for good.
i cant wait for him again.
its too hard now, and to see him for a bit then have to wait again will kill me inside.
everyone is urging me to press charges.
but i don't want to.
know one understands, i just wanna forget it all.
its hard but i want it to go away.
and its sucks that even a good friend of mine doesn't understand and is accusing me of being a liar, that I'm seeking attention.
i didn't ask for it.
nor did i even tell her, my sister did.
i didn't want many people knowing.
only people i trust.
people like my friend scott.
thanks june for being trustworthy. :)
but the cats already outta the bag.
the whole town knows.
and i got confronted by Jared.
didn't go so well.
i told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again.
luckily he agreed.
new topic.
I'm doing so terrible in school.
I'm probably gunna fail everything this semester, besides history.
how dreadful.
but a lot has been going on, and its tough to think of school as a priority.
i know how important it is, but for now with all this shit, its better to be put aside.
hopefully i can manage something in Burlington.
so i can graduate next year, instead of having to go back again.
ill do like night school.
maybe.
anyways, i gotta decide.
and i need to think long and hard.
cause i tend to make hasty decisions.
peace.

the best letter ever. :)

hello world.
i just received the best letter in the mail today from my boyfriend jordan in jail. :)
it was sooo sweet. :D
he wrote me two poems and expressed feelings i didn't know he had. :)
im so happy. im going to visit him tomorrow at like 5 maybe even 1 then ill have to skip forth but meh. :)
im soo excited! :D

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/alannahmckayy

nicest thing by kate nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something


----------------------


dear jordan,

i really really care about you. but you keep on fucking up. im not saying change for me. but consider doing it for yourself. i dont want you to get into cocaine again. and you drink and smoke too much. it seems like your top priority, and im not as important. you were suppossed to meet me last night. and you never showed. then you never called today or come see me. today was my only day off this week. and it was wasted waiting around for you. im not going to deal with that much longer. whatever your excuse.. it doesnt matter. you could have called me. i could continue with how you hurt me but i wont.

zombie

its 1:33 am.
im cold, im tired, im sad.
my birthday wasnt to great like last years..
i came home from school and my dad was taking his gf out to dinner and left me money for pizza.
i sat around my house all day with my bf, completely disappointed because i thought he had all these plans for the night.
i was sadly mistaken.
i got nothing for my birthday from anyone.
but a cake that i didnt eat...
to make matters worse i had to push my party to this sat cause apparently my dad is broke.
but that makes no sense he went out to dinner on my birthday, buys smokes everyday, bought a shit load of weed, and is always buying his gf's daughter candy from the store.
then he pulled out about $500 out of now where and starts counting it in front of me..
but yet poor alannah gets nothing.
happy birthday to me.

as for today my wallet got stolen.
what luck eh?
all my money, bank card, health card, birth control, house key and the wallet alone was $170
this sucks.
now i cant get that piercing i wanted.

tonight,
i spoke to andrew m. again..
he is so great.
i hate how i insist on speaking to him when it just saddens me further.
he was the only person to ever make me happy.
and i havent quite found that yet,
although i really like jordan.
i feel bad for saying i love you so much.
but we definately do have a connection and i really care about him.
he is very special.
but he also has those flaws,
like his drug abuse, his drinking, his criminal record, and how he said he would leave me if i ever slapped him again.
well im sorry he deserved it.
anyways, besides all those flaws, he is so wonderful to me. he wrote me a sweet poem and a love letter. :)

here it is folks:
the letter

since i first laid my eyes on you, i knew it was meant to be i never really had the courage to go up and talk to you but im glad i did because when we first started talking,we had something special that alot of people dont have and we jus had a connection that was crazy.i knew since the first day i laid my eyes on you that you were the one for me.and when we started getting to know each other my feelings grew deeper and deeper for you everyday.i love when were just hanging out watching scary movies,making each other smile,drinking with each other, or just being supportive of one another.your too cute baby.and you are incredible and i couldnt ask for anything more i never felt this way about any other girl.
when im not with you i just cant stop thinking about you.
and even though we might have seen each other a couple hours ago your always on my mind.and when your not with me i miss you.your georgeous, laidback,sweet, funny.your everything that i every wanted in a girl plus more.i want you to be a part of my life no matter what :) Msg me bakk if u want ur soup at 12 or whenever ♥ Miss ya Byee

the poem

Good morning sweetheart, how did you sleep?
I didn't get one hour because you weren't next to me
I tossed and turned, tried to close my eyes
The bed was so cold without you by my side

Lately I been up thinking about you, not getting any rest
I tried holding my pillow, but it doesn't compare to your chest
I tried putting on music, but it doesn't compare to your heart beat
I needed your warmth, and your feet on my feet
Good morning baby, what did you dream?
Was I your hero, calming your fears and screams?
Were we on a beach holding hands, watching the sun go down
Making love, ruffling the sheets, exhalting loud sounds?
Lately I been up thinking about you, dreaming of your lips
My heart pounds fast and occasionally the beat skips
I tried to dream longer and not interrupt the bliss
I didn't want to awake from the most beautiful kiss

he is such a good writer.

in conclusion to everything, im very mislead and confused all the time.
when will it end?
when i forget about andrew?
i think so
but yet its so hard..