never been more reassured.

im going to Burlington!
i love jordan maltais so much! :D
oh he makes me so happy.
i cant wait for our life together!
its going to be great.
just 48 more days!
and he will be back in my arms. :D

DECISIONS

ohhh boy.
my dad wants me out.
my boyfriend wants me to move out with him when he gets outta jail.
its either Mississauga or Burlington.
i like Burlington.
but should i go?
ill be very happy but i fear that it wont last long.
what if my boyfriend does something stupid and gets himself in jail again?
then I'm fucked.
he tells me he is gunna be good when he gets out.
stay off drugs, drink less, stay away from crime.
but once a criminal always a criminal right?
he could do it again.
as much as he doesn't want to.
even i do stupid shit against the law.
but I'm smart about it.
i know my limit.
he doesn't.
plus he wants to beat the shit outta his friend Jared for sleeping with me when i was drunk and vulnerable.
i don't want him too.
he'll go back to jail.
for something sooo stupid.
yeah Jared deserves it, but my boyfriend cant go to jail.
its not worth it.
to lose him again.
for him to lose me, for good.
i cant wait for him again.
its too hard now, and to see him for a bit then have to wait again will kill me inside.
everyone is urging me to press charges.
but i don't want to.
know one understands, i just wanna forget it all.
its hard but i want it to go away.
and its sucks that even a good friend of mine doesn't understand and is accusing me of being a liar, that I'm seeking attention.
i didn't ask for it.
nor did i even tell her, my sister did.
i didn't want many people knowing.
only people i trust.
people like my friend scott.
thanks june for being trustworthy. :)
but the cats already outta the bag.
the whole town knows.
and i got confronted by Jared.
didn't go so well.
i told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again.
luckily he agreed.
new topic.
I'm doing so terrible in school.
I'm probably gunna fail everything this semester, besides history.
how dreadful.
but a lot has been going on, and its tough to think of school as a priority.
i know how important it is, but for now with all this shit, its better to be put aside.
hopefully i can manage something in Burlington.
so i can graduate next year, instead of having to go back again.
ill do like night school.
maybe.
anyways, i gotta decide.
and i need to think long and hard.
cause i tend to make hasty decisions.
peace.

the best letter ever. :)

hello world.
i just received the best letter in the mail today from my boyfriend jordan in jail. :)
it was sooo sweet. :D
he wrote me two poems and expressed feelings i didn't know he had. :)
im so happy. im going to visit him tomorrow at like 5 maybe even 1 then ill have to skip forth but meh. :)
im soo excited! :D

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/alannahmckayy

nicest thing by kate nash

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something


----------------------


dear jordan,

i really really care about you. but you keep on fucking up. im not saying change for me. but consider doing it for yourself. i dont want you to get into cocaine again. and you drink and smoke too much. it seems like your top priority, and im not as important. you were suppossed to meet me last night. and you never showed. then you never called today or come see me. today was my only day off this week. and it was wasted waiting around for you. im not going to deal with that much longer. whatever your excuse.. it doesnt matter. you could have called me. i could continue with how you hurt me but i wont.

zombie

its 1:33 am.
im cold, im tired, im sad.
my birthday wasnt to great like last years..
i came home from school and my dad was taking his gf out to dinner and left me money for pizza.
i sat around my house all day with my bf, completely disappointed because i thought he had all these plans for the night.
i was sadly mistaken.
i got nothing for my birthday from anyone.
but a cake that i didnt eat...
to make matters worse i had to push my party to this sat cause apparently my dad is broke.
but that makes no sense he went out to dinner on my birthday, buys smokes everyday, bought a shit load of weed, and is always buying his gf's daughter candy from the store.
then he pulled out about $500 out of now where and starts counting it in front of me..
but yet poor alannah gets nothing.
happy birthday to me.

as for today my wallet got stolen.
what luck eh?
all my money, bank card, health card, birth control, house key and the wallet alone was $170
this sucks.
now i cant get that piercing i wanted.

tonight,
i spoke to andrew m. again..
he is so great.
i hate how i insist on speaking to him when it just saddens me further.
he was the only person to ever make me happy.
and i havent quite found that yet,
although i really like jordan.
i feel bad for saying i love you so much.
but we definately do have a connection and i really care about him.
he is very special.
but he also has those flaws,
like his drug abuse, his drinking, his criminal record, and how he said he would leave me if i ever slapped him again.
well im sorry he deserved it.
anyways, besides all those flaws, he is so wonderful to me. he wrote me a sweet poem and a love letter. :)

here it is folks:
the letter

since i first laid my eyes on you, i knew it was meant to be i never really had the courage to go up and talk to you but im glad i did because when we first started talking,we had something special that alot of people dont have and we jus had a connection that was crazy.i knew since the first day i laid my eyes on you that you were the one for me.and when we started getting to know each other my feelings grew deeper and deeper for you everyday.i love when were just hanging out watching scary movies,making each other smile,drinking with each other, or just being supportive of one another.your too cute baby.and you are incredible and i couldnt ask for anything more i never felt this way about any other girl.
when im not with you i just cant stop thinking about you.
and even though we might have seen each other a couple hours ago your always on my mind.and when your not with me i miss you.your georgeous, laidback,sweet, funny.your everything that i every wanted in a girl plus more.i want you to be a part of my life no matter what :) Msg me bakk if u want ur soup at 12 or whenever ♥ Miss ya Byee

the poem

Good morning sweetheart, how did you sleep?
I didn't get one hour because you weren't next to me
I tossed and turned, tried to close my eyes
The bed was so cold without you by my side

Lately I been up thinking about you, not getting any rest
I tried holding my pillow, but it doesn't compare to your chest
I tried putting on music, but it doesn't compare to your heart beat
I needed your warmth, and your feet on my feet
Good morning baby, what did you dream?
Was I your hero, calming your fears and screams?
Were we on a beach holding hands, watching the sun go down
Making love, ruffling the sheets, exhalting loud sounds?
Lately I been up thinking about you, dreaming of your lips
My heart pounds fast and occasionally the beat skips
I tried to dream longer and not interrupt the bliss
I didn't want to awake from the most beautiful kiss

he is such a good writer.

in conclusion to everything, im very mislead and confused all the time.
when will it end?
when i forget about andrew?
i think so
but yet its so hard..

why oh why

i have a new boyfriend.
i really like him but he isn't good for me.
he has a lot of shit to deal with that i don't wanna be apart of.
but for now I'm still with him.
although I'm currently experiencing what i always do.
dreadful misery of my past relationship.
i compare every boy to him and that's why I'm not happy.
he is the only one that made me happy.
he never messed up.
he was perfect.
i thought till we broke up.
i still believe in ways he is.
anyways talking to him now on msn is making me doubtful,
of everything.
i don't know what i want.
that seems to happen every time i talk to him.
cause deep down inside i want him.
forever.
but i cant have him forever so i think of what else i could want.
and i just get more confused and messed up when i speak with him.
i feel he wants me but is stuck in his own relationship.
it hurts.
everyday.
but ill deal.
I'm strong.
at least i think i am...

AH MAANNNNN

i hate not being able to right these all the time.
but im not going to be able to.

from my last post, i broke up with my boyfriend, then i was chillen with my other ex.
now, ive been chillen with this boy named jordan. he isnt really my type, but he is cute and really nice plus he really likes me which is weird. so im pretty much dating this guy and just this morning my ex messaged me asking to chill. damn, of all times. i wonder how all these events fold out.

my birthday is soon and so is jordans. we and all our friends are going to the mandarin. its gunna be sick. then were having a private party at jordans friends bar. :)

home lifes okay. better then before. but i seem to want it and not want it. hard to explain.

end of blog.

Im a fool for you.

i give him too many chances. when will i stop? he always bails on me and i just say "ohh its okay next time". i gotta stop at some point. he's driving me nuts. ARG.i wanna rant but i cant think of much cause all my anger was from last night not so much today so i have nothing really to say. my point is that i hate getting hurt all the time, their is not one night where i dont go to bed and think about all the things that must be wrong with me that he decides to do this to me. and then while thinking about being fat, ugly, and gross, i start to think about how much i get shit on in life by everyone, from family to classmates. i hate it. i have no one in my life. no one that cares. everyone just uses me and then throws me out when im not needed.

anyways im hungry cause im fat sooo im going to eat something good.

Ima playa? SAY WHAT?!

i came to my attention that im kind of being a player now that im single. i dont really see it. its not like im dating 10 different guys. im just hanging with three guys, im not with any of them. im just seeing whats out there.

so one of these boys is my good friend (whos name doesnt need to be told). i kindda always had a little thing for him and i still do. and we recently hung out and uhh made out lol. he wasnt the best kisser but i blame it on the fact that he only kissed one other girl before and he was really high like so high his heart was beating like 100 a minute he just couldnt control himself. anyways because i like even though he wasnt to good and kissing, im gunna try and teach him.

but i still cant seem to deminish the fact that i really like my other guy friend but he doesnt like me back. and i think he's been avoiding me cause ive been trying to talk to him but he hasnt been responding. :S he is definately my dream boy but i cant make it happen. im too young for him and im not his idea of the perfect girl. but i wish i was.

Beat the insecurities out of me

i broke up with my boyfriend again. were remaining friends this time. which is good, hard... but good.

in the meantime my ex andy m. is telling me he thinks i might be his one love. i find that hard to believe. 9 months of crying cause he said he didnt love me anymore and then he comes back and says im confused with my girlfriend cause i think your my one love. what total bull. i cant believe this. how can he be doing this do me. it really hurts. and he doesnt seem like he has very good intentions if he is telling me all this meanwhile having a girlfriend. anyways i have plans to hang out with him on friday. doubt it will happen cause everytime ive made plans with him there was always an excuse. and i said to him " i hope you dont have an excuse last minute lol" completely kidding and he just starting getting so defensive. and ive noticed since ive been talking to him on facebook. he always says something like i miss lets get together soon, and ill respond with a yeah what do you wanna do? then i hear nothing for a good month then i just say ok fuck it nvm, then he starts rieling me back in with the same stuff everytime. ughhh why do i let myself fall prey for him?

Home life is okay, for the meantime. Sam is cool and such but kindda controling and she doesnt even live here yet. she sometimes tell me to call her daughter sister.... she not my fucking sister. ive known her for less then a month hell no. my ACTUAL sister katie thinks shes up to something. maybe she is idk. i hope not that is. cause i like how my dad hasnt been drinking as much and how meals are cooked and there is structure to the household. but who knows. after times of good, comes times of dread.

On another note,
i know my dream boy. but im not his dream girl. how typical.
and how sad. but one day maybe he'll change his mind. until then im happy just being single and ready to mingle lol.

Chocolate Ice Cream Mmmmm

So i dont blog as much as i want to but i hope to once i get a new chatger for my laptop.

anyways so from my last post i had broken up with my boyfriend. well were back together.
the boy i wanted to kiss at the show turns out didnt like me how i thought he did. meh no loss. :P
my dad has a new girlfriend sam. she is real nice. so is her daugther. i dont know her sons much but they seem alright. we've only known them for a bit and my dad wants them to move in. :S
wayyyyyyyy to soon. whoa whoa whoa............. i heard someone yell ice cream. shit i gottta go. Mmmmmmm ice cream. :)