zombie

its 1:33 am.
im cold, im tired, im sad.
my birthday wasnt to great like last years..
i came home from school and my dad was taking his gf out to dinner and left me money for pizza.
i sat around my house all day with my bf, completely disappointed because i thought he had all these plans for the night.
i was sadly mistaken.
i got nothing for my birthday from anyone.
but a cake that i didnt eat...
to make matters worse i had to push my party to this sat cause apparently my dad is broke.
but that makes no sense he went out to dinner on my birthday, buys smokes everyday, bought a shit load of weed, and is always buying his gf's daughter candy from the store.
then he pulled out about $500 out of now where and starts counting it in front of me..
but yet poor alannah gets nothing.
happy birthday to me.

as for today my wallet got stolen.
what luck eh?
all my money, bank card, health card, birth control, house key and the wallet alone was $170
this sucks.
now i cant get that piercing i wanted.

tonight,
i spoke to andrew m. again..
he is so great.
i hate how i insist on speaking to him when it just saddens me further.
he was the only person to ever make me happy.
and i havent quite found that yet,
although i really like jordan.
i feel bad for saying i love you so much.
but we definately do have a connection and i really care about him.
he is very special.
but he also has those flaws,
like his drug abuse, his drinking, his criminal record, and how he said he would leave me if i ever slapped him again.
well im sorry he deserved it.
anyways, besides all those flaws, he is so wonderful to me. he wrote me a sweet poem and a love letter. :)

here it is folks:
the letter

since i first laid my eyes on you, i knew it was meant to be i never really had the courage to go up and talk to you but im glad i did because when we first started talking,we had something special that alot of people dont have and we jus had a connection that was crazy.i knew since the first day i laid my eyes on you that you were the one for me.and when we started getting to know each other my feelings grew deeper and deeper for you everyday.i love when were just hanging out watching scary movies,making each other smile,drinking with each other, or just being supportive of one another.your too cute baby.and you are incredible and i couldnt ask for anything more i never felt this way about any other girl.
when im not with you i just cant stop thinking about you.
and even though we might have seen each other a couple hours ago your always on my mind.and when your not with me i miss you.your georgeous, laidback,sweet, funny.your everything that i every wanted in a girl plus more.i want you to be a part of my life no matter what :) Msg me bakk if u want ur soup at 12 or whenever ♥ Miss ya Byee

the poem

Good morning sweetheart, how did you sleep?
I didn't get one hour because you weren't next to me
I tossed and turned, tried to close my eyes
The bed was so cold without you by my side

Lately I been up thinking about you, not getting any rest
I tried holding my pillow, but it doesn't compare to your chest
I tried putting on music, but it doesn't compare to your heart beat
I needed your warmth, and your feet on my feet
Good morning baby, what did you dream?
Was I your hero, calming your fears and screams?
Were we on a beach holding hands, watching the sun go down
Making love, ruffling the sheets, exhalting loud sounds?
Lately I been up thinking about you, dreaming of your lips
My heart pounds fast and occasionally the beat skips
I tried to dream longer and not interrupt the bliss
I didn't want to awake from the most beautiful kiss

he is such a good writer.

in conclusion to everything, im very mislead and confused all the time.
when will it end?
when i forget about andrew?
i think so
but yet its so hard..