"raaa, raaa, ra, raa, ra"

oh man i havent wrote one of these in a while.
anyways.. last night was pretty good up until the ending.
i went to the local show to see my buddys band and to hang out with a couple of my friends,
that was rather enjoyable but i kindda felt ignored by some people i thought i was pretty close with. :(
the bands were very good and me and my friend matt got smashed off some jamacian rum and vodka.
let me tell you how nasty that rum was, i couldnt even fucking breath the shit made me want to vomit i swear it was like 80% alcohol cause it burned like a motherfucker going down.
all in all good start of the night.
then i came home, went on msn for a bit...
then my bf tells me he read my facebook inbox with me and my ex so he freaked out alittle and by the end of it, we broke up.
i hate knowing how much he is dying inside.
i hate how i am.
but it was probably for the best. i didnt trust myself. and i realized before at the show when i kindda wanted to kiss a guy.
pretty much i still love him but i just needed to experiance more of my teenage life, he was more of a husband type character. plus i kindda dont want commitment, id rather it be no strings attached.
well we will see what happens later on this week cause i still plan to hang out with him today after work.
updates later.

rememberance

i cant breathe. i cant speak. i cant think. i cant see, nor hear. it happened as a chain reaction a few nights ago. mental shutdown then sudden tears shed. for what seems worthless to some but not me.

down the yellow brick road.

i am relieved. got my feelings out. not returned but that just clears my path. now i can focus on people who care about me and i really care about. no more straying. i wont allow it. ah it feels good to not have anymore confusion. :)
peace!

long time no see.

what happens when you miss someone you shouldnt and you feel for someone you shouldnt? a mind fuck. ugh!

give me a line kid

these tuesdays end with drunk sex and lit up ciggerettes. left alone to sleep and wake up to regret.

OMFGGG!!!!!!!!!

im annoyed by my last period class.
i signed up for travel and tourism, but i get hospitality and tourism.
a whole different course.
i went to the councellor to switch out but low and behold every forth period class was full and i was stuck.
having to take a course i dont need and wasting my time durning highschool is bad enough, but my class is the worse.
there is about four boys and 20 something girls.
all the girls are either stereotypical idiots with fake hair and fake personalities or they are the quiet types. me one of them.
we spend nearly 50 minutes of the class wasted on girls talking and getting told to shut it but they dont. and some decide its soooo funny to talk back to the teacher and be a little bitch. its immature and annoying. i wanna punch thier faces in.
they think they are soo cool and hot when really they are not, without the make up, the fake hair, the fake nails and the tna, they are all ugly twigs.
i got stuck with this group for an assignment and ended up doing most of the work, and today we got a new assignment and i was excited cause i already knew what i wanted to do and who i wanted to work with but fuck my life those same girls i worked with last came to me and said "heyyy so what are we doing for the new project?" i didnt wanna say no. im not rude. but i switched out of the group without telling them, i feel bad but whatever. i need a good mark.

another issue..
i was walking to my bf's house yesterday and when i passed the crossing between main and thompson, two collage girls wearing tank tops and lu lu lemon pants pulled up in this van and made a comment about my outfit.

whore #1: OMG! i got the same outfit from walmart!
whore #2:HAHAHA! LOSERS WALK!
me:OMG! your so original...

are people just getting more and more retarded? i dont even know where to begin with this.
so many girls have degraded themselves to believe that without tna, lu lu lemon, halter tops, push up bras, thongs and a full layer of cover up and make up, they are unattractive to the male eye.
i know for a fact that most men find that unattractive...
beauty is who you are. if your not who you are, your not beautiful. i myself have been made fun of for being ugly, wearing ugly clothes or being fat, but the truth is im not. im pretty. im not fat. i wear decent clothes.
why have a relationship based on looks and sexual attraction? relationships are meant for love. its stupid how some girls and boys go out for what 1 week? do stuff then never talk again and forget about the other one , then a year later do it again. thats not what love is about. love is about commitment, loyalty, trust and friendship. thats why im happy. i HAVE that.

so on an end note;
i hate highschool girls and boys
i hate whores
i hate school
and i hate the minds of today.

not giving up, but losing hope.

i feel as if im the worst girlfriend EVER.
i love you, but i dred our fights. i hate what we say to one another. i wanna be with you forever but not like how we are now.
i fear things are not going to work. but i also fear a world without you. i cant think straight and im finding it hard to breathe. ever since i hung up ive been sitting in silence, waiting, crying, hoping. but for what?

Muse

i realized today that i serve no real purpose in this world.
im not anything important. what do i do for a living? nothing.
i dont know what i wanna do with my life, and my interests always change.
i dont even have a stero type in high school. i dont take part in anything. so im not an athlete, a band geek, a scholar, or a member of the student council. im just a normal kid.
but kid for not longer. im 16 turning 17. in two years ill be done highschool and ill be forced into the world on my own. but how am i suppossed to support myself? i have no career in mind. and in order to be what i might want to be in two years i would had have to taken certain courses back in high school. so why does every adult tell us there is no pressure, that they still dont know what they want to be? cause really the pressure is on. decide now or face a life of simple jobs with minumum pay and struggle to pay the bills and live.
fuck this world is so corupt.
i may not know what i wanna be but i know that i wanna do something smallish, i dont wanna be a big business lady, a lawyer or a doctor. i wanna be something like a owner of a book store or an assistant to someone big. i understand the responsibility of a job but why have a job with emormus responsibility and lots of money when i can have a not so bad job getting just enough money. i dont need a big house, a nice car and a boat. all i need is my friends.

"ill get by with a little help from my friends" - The Beatles

a little visit from the devil

last night while at my boyfriends house, my sister messaged me and said my mom was over. what a terrible surprise. i stayed over at his house in hopes that she would leave. she didnt and i had to go home.. but when i got there everyone was sleeping. my sister told me she was leaving in the morning. but to my surprise she didnt. i woke up and went downstairs to grab a bowl of froot loops and she was sitting on my living room couch. she looked sick. she was skinnier then me and she was acting crazy. she kept on getting up walking around, going to the basement and coming back up in a cycle. it was weird and she wanted me to call Coast, which to her is apparentlly a help centre. she had just gotten out of jail and hasnt been taking her medication. plus she is doing god knows what. coke maybe crack. sooo because i cant help her find the number for "coast" and 411 doesnt have it she freaks out and calls the ambulence to come and get her. soo now she is gone at the hosptial and i dont know whats wrong. nor do i care much.

Hurtful words.

its dreadful to hear the words "you can have fun without me", or "i dont have to do everything with you or spend ever day with you". it makes me sad that im not wanted or something and that i bother people to that point. soo i cried when i heard it.

also my last blog said how i was TRYING to improve. and now that i wrote it when i do the things im trying to improve on they get pointed out and i get yelled at about it.

:(

Cold Hard Bitch

im a cold hard bitch.



i am a happy person. i enjoy the company of others. but for some odd reason my mind gets triggered by simple things and can ruin a day or moment. i have bi-polar disorder. i haven't gotten tested but i know its there. i can't help some of the things i say or do. my mind just acts on impulse, like i have very little control. i want everyone around me to be happy but all i do is cause confusion, frustration and conflict. i love my boyfriend andy and he makes me the most happiest girl on the planet but i always fuck shit up. i constantly bring up the past and it upsets both me and him. sometimes when i dont get my way i ignore him or i start giving him the cold shoulder. like a stupid five year old. im trying to stop. its been getting better. i need to stop caring so much for myself. i need to put away what was done and live for the future. i need not to be jelous of ex girlfriends and gorgeous celebraties. cause jelousy is not love. but i know for a fact i am in love. i trust him and he can trust me. he is honest, loyal, loving, caring, and devoted as well am i. hopefully he can look past my stupid bitch dilemas and continue to love me. because when i said "live for the future", i live for our future together.

so im a bitch who tries not to be a bitch. with a awesome boyfriend that does everything he can to make me happy. but he doesn't need to worry im happy. im extremly happy. i just might not show it..

Verification

i started talking to my ex again, which is weird since for 4 months he has been ignoring my exsitance. its not much though, just a "hey", "hey", "whats up?", "nothing, going to sleep now, bye". i dont want it to go anywhere and im sure it wont. as far as it will go is friendship. because i love my new boyfriend more than anything. i think it may be bothering him however that i seem to be wanting to talk to my ex. he just keeps it to himself. i feel hypocritical however, i know if he were talk to his ex i wouldnt like it, only because i wouldnt she why he would want to after all the shit she had done... why try and be friends with someone like that? plus i kind of wouldnt trust her. him i would, her no. she is a cheating kind of girl, i dont want her trying to influence him. Question is... is it okay to do what im doing?

downfall of us all

Hell is where i reside. the salt water drowning me is the only warmth i recieve while here. im a compulsive liar and i know that but i cant stop. im selfish. i think about what will make me happy instead of others so i push other people further away and i start conflict between joe and how he views the people im always with. i dont know how to maintain both relationships, either i let go of joe or i let go of the only person i love and my only chance of internal sunshine. im leaning towards one but without the other what shall i do?

Pick joe: house, no love
Pick andrew: all the love imaginable but no where to sleep at night

Stupid. why cant i have the fortune to live people who love me and want me to be happy and instead of yelling into my face what a loser i am , how im going no where, how my boyfriend and his family are all losers and how im just like my mom; a good for nothing whore but insteads tells me what was so wrong and talk to me about it. i cant handle his words. my reasonings behind why i dont listen is because no one listens to me, why give someone respect when none is returned, the same bullshit continues even when i do listen. so he said leave if i dont want to live here, so maybe i will, but then again after i leave where and what do i enter?

This is for real.

I know i shouldn't compare myself to her but i can't seem to help it. i believe you when you say you dont want anything to do with her, but on my heart i know you miss the times you spent with her. she may have done what she has done, and im not to sure what exactly but im sure she probably wasnt always like that.

On the brighter side of things... wouldn't it be nice if we were older? We could move out, We could do whatever We want to do, We can party all night and sleep all day(on weekends), We can order take-out evernight, We can have a kitty named Blinky Bill, We can cuddle at night and wake up to each others faces, We can stay up late and watch lame and horror flicks, and the best part ----> WE will be together.

Its 11:11 make a wish! i did, a lot of them. i wished on the night of the drive-in that you would kiss me. i wished everyday afterwards that you'd ask me to be your girlfriend. i wished for a bit after that you and i would share special moments. they all came true besides two of them. i understand I'm lame so I'm not afraid to say what they were. i first wished for you to one day propose then even more pathetically i wished you would give me a promise ring like Dave gave Ali.

So shitty tits we have been running into a few buzz kills this past week, Don't fret, the anticipation is making it more exciting and when the day comes it will be more fun. anywhoms, i love you with all my heart and junk and i want you to know you are more important to me then anyone , even Courtney or any boy for that matter. please believe me when i say you are the reason i still breathe.

Number 5

Part one: Misrable at best

im extremely angered with myself. i found im having this challage i've been avoiding for sometime now. Loving someone when your hearts not completely there is more difficult than anything. And how do you tell someone that? you dont. you hide it away or like a pussy, you blog about it. im working on it, with my counsellor, my friends and that one person i long for. Maybe it was too early to start dating again. but i dont regret it. Alot of the happiness and laughter wouldn't have been spent if i were not to say "took you long enough".

Part two: 11:11 make a wish

What im trying to say is that, your the reason why i do the things i do.i stay out late to spend more time with you. i wake up in the morning and go to school, for you. i work, to take you to the movies, which you love. You asked me why i love you, and heres why:
your smile, its contagious.
your eyes, sparkling and blue.
your likes and dislikes, are so common to mine.
your handsome, though you dont agree, but you should
your voice, hearing i love you + best feeling of life.
your touch, sends shivers down my spine.
your kiss, makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter like crazy & the little things but there isn't enough room to write them all

Part three: actions speak loader than words

Another thing, on saturday night, i dont think i've ever felt more close to anyone in my life. There is so much passion and intensity that goes into what we share. When i reminice, i feel that rush of passion and i cant wait to feel it again. i loves you, smiles and such. :) <3

whats done is done.

i no longer worry about being used. last night was a vast change. i almost view things entirely differently now. i have no need to take apon situations as i would have. i shouldnt think and refer the past. it already happened and there is no way of stopping it again its tracks. i was treated bad, and i could be again. but i trust in my instincts that i wont. im happy. things are going well and im even starting to listen to joe. cheers to happiness & love.

good things come in small packages.

alittle song im working on. verse one: starshines in the form of words. it spells out my love for you. haven't you heard?....chorus: im oh so glad, oh so glad your mine. you raise me high, higher into the sky. ....thats all i got so far. =)

Lucky or Luckless?

The home life is unsettling at the moment. Joe thinks its okay to drink, smoke dope and verbally abuse his children. i hope he gets cancer. My suck-up for a brother stands at my fathers feet, kissing them and nagging him along about false statements. The sister isn't too bad, although she needs to be more considerate. i do so much for her and she takes it for granted. i skipped out on family day and counselling, to spend more time with the one person who actually makes me happy. Andy. his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his touch, his humorous attitude makes me gush. Oh fancy, i rhymed. i kinda sorta love this boy. i want to show him how much i really do, and the only idea that pops in my head reminds me of what i used to do to reassure someone of that, and look where that got me. I was lonely and depressed for 2 whole months but then this silly little boy came along and swept me off my feet. But my decision is final, i love him so whatever it takes to show him, ill do it. Not saying its a bad things and i don't want to, just that i don't wanna end up in the same mess as before when i gave up my v-card for someone i thought who loved me. but i believe this boy loves me back. So Saturday, Saturday will be the day. I'm excited, but until then I'm happy enough to just hold his hand on this journey called life.

Live long in prosper.

Over the course of this week, iv'e came to really get to know a lot of new people. i feel a sense of belonging and love. i never knew i could feel this way again, after that tragic end of relations. my heart does still wonder off sometimes, trying to reach out for the past, but since a while ago my heart has had distractions. sudden rushes of emotions have swept through my body, like wind brushing through my hair. now i forget about the past to give room for the present and future to grow. although i really want to go further into new relations, i cant help but fear for the worse. i fear that im going to be used once again. i really like this boy, maybe even love. i dont want to rush, but i cant seem to help myself. and now i regret my past decisions, cause now iv'e become one of those people i daily talk about behind thier backs. im ridiculous. but in all hopes i wish for the best, eveynight at 11:11. as for this weekend, i havent been this happy in my entire exsistance. spending time with the one i care the most about. tonight i will dream. a sweet dream, that weakens the knees.