a little visit from the devil

last night while at my boyfriends house, my sister messaged me and said my mom was over. what a terrible surprise. i stayed over at his house in hopes that she would leave. she didnt and i had to go home.. but when i got there everyone was sleeping. my sister told me she was leaving in the morning. but to my surprise she didnt. i woke up and went downstairs to grab a bowl of froot loops and she was sitting on my living room couch. she looked sick. she was skinnier then me and she was acting crazy. she kept on getting up walking around, going to the basement and coming back up in a cycle. it was weird and she wanted me to call Coast, which to her is apparentlly a help centre. she had just gotten out of jail and hasnt been taking her medication. plus she is doing god knows what. coke maybe crack. sooo because i cant help her find the number for "coast" and 411 doesnt have it she freaks out and calls the ambulence to come and get her. soo now she is gone at the hosptial and i dont know whats wrong. nor do i care much.

Hurtful words.

its dreadful to hear the words "you can have fun without me", or "i dont have to do everything with you or spend ever day with you". it makes me sad that im not wanted or something and that i bother people to that point. soo i cried when i heard it.

also my last blog said how i was TRYING to improve. and now that i wrote it when i do the things im trying to improve on they get pointed out and i get yelled at about it.

:(

Cold Hard Bitch

im a cold hard bitch.



i am a happy person. i enjoy the company of others. but for some odd reason my mind gets triggered by simple things and can ruin a day or moment. i have bi-polar disorder. i haven't gotten tested but i know its there. i can't help some of the things i say or do. my mind just acts on impulse, like i have very little control. i want everyone around me to be happy but all i do is cause confusion, frustration and conflict. i love my boyfriend andy and he makes me the most happiest girl on the planet but i always fuck shit up. i constantly bring up the past and it upsets both me and him. sometimes when i dont get my way i ignore him or i start giving him the cold shoulder. like a stupid five year old. im trying to stop. its been getting better. i need to stop caring so much for myself. i need to put away what was done and live for the future. i need not to be jelous of ex girlfriends and gorgeous celebraties. cause jelousy is not love. but i know for a fact i am in love. i trust him and he can trust me. he is honest, loyal, loving, caring, and devoted as well am i. hopefully he can look past my stupid bitch dilemas and continue to love me. because when i said "live for the future", i live for our future together.

so im a bitch who tries not to be a bitch. with a awesome boyfriend that does everything he can to make me happy. but he doesn't need to worry im happy. im extremly happy. i just might not show it..

Verification

i started talking to my ex again, which is weird since for 4 months he has been ignoring my exsitance. its not much though, just a "hey", "hey", "whats up?", "nothing, going to sleep now, bye". i dont want it to go anywhere and im sure it wont. as far as it will go is friendship. because i love my new boyfriend more than anything. i think it may be bothering him however that i seem to be wanting to talk to my ex. he just keeps it to himself. i feel hypocritical however, i know if he were talk to his ex i wouldnt like it, only because i wouldnt she why he would want to after all the shit she had done... why try and be friends with someone like that? plus i kind of wouldnt trust her. him i would, her no. she is a cheating kind of girl, i dont want her trying to influence him. Question is... is it okay to do what im doing?