downfall of us all

Hell is where i reside. the salt water drowning me is the only warmth i recieve while here. im a compulsive liar and i know that but i cant stop. im selfish. i think about what will make me happy instead of others so i push other people further away and i start conflict between joe and how he views the people im always with. i dont know how to maintain both relationships, either i let go of joe or i let go of the only person i love and my only chance of internal sunshine. im leaning towards one but without the other what shall i do?

Pick joe: house, no love
Pick andrew: all the love imaginable but no where to sleep at night

Stupid. why cant i have the fortune to live people who love me and want me to be happy and instead of yelling into my face what a loser i am , how im going no where, how my boyfriend and his family are all losers and how im just like my mom; a good for nothing whore but insteads tells me what was so wrong and talk to me about it. i cant handle his words. my reasonings behind why i dont listen is because no one listens to me, why give someone respect when none is returned, the same bullshit continues even when i do listen. so he said leave if i dont want to live here, so maybe i will, but then again after i leave where and what do i enter?